The highway if life rolling under the wheels of my feet, each day lumbering past in a blur of hectic chaos as the race continues to be first to the end of the day. I try and take the lessons learned from the day and leave the rest behind me, sadly though the rear view keeps things closer then I would like to think. How does one.let go of things gone past when the reminders and questions are placed in the direction of travel? Forgiveness is bliss and ignorance a beautiful sandlot to hold ones head. Transparent words create the lies so pretty that a person wants so badly to be truth. Sadly the ugliness found in the reality of some situations is so far from what the heart wants to be tickled with can send a person into a flight of fancy. With mommy issues and daddy not loving enough, broken hearts and lessons learned from the results of brutal trust can a healthy concept of future be obtained? My self I tend to shy in the direction of wanting and hoping the best of situations, still i can not ignore a spade being a spade pretending to be a diamond. I guess people will always tell a version that they want to be known and sometimes as far fetched as it is, fiction is better than finding yourself disenchanted from dissapointment and maybe just maybe people do change and conscience changes the mistakes into lessons not to be repeated. How does that old saying go? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice then you fooled the fool…
I know that I don’t know the things I think I know, for if I knew the things I thought I knew then the way it turned out would not have come as such a surprise and I would understand my reality. Abandoned by my issues, left to face my damage I pull myself apart. The waste basket is full of the bits of me I find useless… How does one recycle hope, wants and dreams? I live in my feelings and usually they hurt who would expect any less? Snakes and ladders in this life I live movement at the roll of a die. I can’t even tease myself when it’s my turn to play. I keep buying the ticket to slide down hill and have lost every anything I’ve made. Today I shall trim yet once again shedding the unwanted things. For a person like me who really hasn’t owned anything the lack of stability ensured me that much, I admit it was nice for that moment when the music was louder then my thoughts and my friends were a not a memory of fiction, and the stress was a different misery.
Why do I let my insecurity get the best of me? It is hard for me to trust that I can ever be enough, this is a deep routed flaw of mine going back to before I watched my dad and brothers driving away from the child services building. Having been cheated on, simple to hate, a bit of a lot needy and easy to leave behind has me wondering what is so very wrong with me. I know I’ve burnt my own bridges and I have a vision of loyalty that is nearly impossible to live up to in this world of bigger better badder. I once believed in nuclear ĺove, the ability to be forever in a fairytale ending of sunsets and true love. Perhaps I’m ruined, or to far damaged from the drugs and confusing my customers for friends. I still hold out hope for a happy ride into the sunset, a hopeless romantic influenced through the unrealistic images t.v. has brainwashed me to think is possible. I know I have issues loving me, still does that mean I don’t deserve to be loved just for the damaged crazy piece of shit I am. I fail on the best of days to live up to my own expectations, and I hear about the many way I let everyone else down as they make the escape from me and the person I am. I am sorry I made the choices that led me to be the person I am, I am sorry I’m trapped in my insecurity, to all the people I’ve yet to encounter, I appoligize now for the kicked dog syndrome and introducing you to the broken that is the aftermath. Have patience and understanding, please with that in mind understand I’m stupid and will need people to look out for me and be my friend. Its easy to beat on someone who doesn’t know how to stand up for them self, sometimes I need the help of someone willing to stand up for me.
I have managed to get expelled from detox, forgotten how to sleep and have no clue how to take care of myself anymore.
I feel like I piss people off more then anything. Breathing seems to be the biggest thing I can do to create the hate around me. I try not to eat with hopes of speeding up my ends. I fail at me and me all to often I try not to even even at.
I need passion, I need love, I need the spark to get me going again. I fear I’ve lost motivation.
Why is respect such a horrible thing to ask for, why would people rather walk away then give any to me? Why do i have to give up my principles and boundaries to keep people in my life. I ask for honesty, i ask that you don’t take things from me without asking, and that is about it. Some how i am materialistic for getting upset about the disappearing act property keeps showing and then i get to be the bad guy for being upset about it. Its my beast of burden and i don’t want it.
A snap of a finger is about the time it seems to take. Cruise control on, open road running in a direction sweeping the miles of life into the mirror of memories. Sometimes I gaze into that reflective pool of depression and mistake the question of what if?
What if I got it right? What if I didn’t get flats, had the security of a full tank of gas and had the dream of an achievable dream? What if I didn’t lose everyone or gained something aside from the cliche sayings I mutter to excuse the sad state of my existence. What if I had a choice to not let go of the people who mattered the most to me? Travel companions, people who one minute laughing, join me, navigating out a plan of attacking the map and forging through to a destination of enchanted dreams…
This fucking road must be haunted.
The sound of the laughter still tickles my ear, yet there is no smile to accompany the fading giggles, in that second I blinked its all the same, the similarity of different.
Words can’t aptly describe the way it feels in that second of a second when it changes and another person walks away and I scratch my head, wonder if they were even there? I mean were they? How many times do I allow myself to believe? How many more disillusioned dreams of friendship and love will I watch dive into the rear view mirror before I just accept that I am not the person people want? If I fell off, I know it wouldn’t matter because I wasn’t ever there, I am the person who gets to be left behind in this rear view mirror of lonely yesterday.
Things are never what they seem to be in this world. Love is a 4 letter word, loyalty last till the weekend or the next bigger bag and friends turn out to be the ones who fuck you over the worst. The methy relations seem to be the the hardest to foster, the shade is the shadow cast upon normalised fantasy.
I wish to be someone’s true friend only I dont really ever know how. Trust is so far gone from my persona that its a fable from a story of a story I heard. I wish I wasn’t a drug. I want to be more then a shard. I asked for this life without knowing this life would kill the human that was me… The lies add up the scams and games. A means to an end is what i fear I’ve become. A drug with no concept of me.
I think of the blessings i have, I’m lucky I guess. Still I wonder if I wasn’t a drug would I still be close to enough. I have a sad story then again don’t we all. I ask for no pity, I ask for as little as I can. I truly only want truth, for the human inside to be someone’s desire and every once and a while someone’s priority.
The drugs have changed the world. I see it in my self. So self absorbed not seeing others and yet in the mirror I don’t see anything familiar. I see a monster who once believed in everything I havnt become. I want to be me again, then maybe I can find my worth. I reached out to the people I know telling them about the end of my plans. With hands out they missed what I was saying and the drugs had won again.