Objects in the rear view mirror.

The highway if life rolling under the wheels of my feet, each day lumbering past in a blur of hectic chaos as the race continues to be first to the end of the day. I try and take the lessons learned from the day and leave the rest behind me, sadly though the rear view keeps things closer then I would like to think. How does one.let go of things gone past when the reminders and questions are placed in the direction of travel? Forgiveness is bliss and ignorance a beautiful sandlot to hold ones head. Transparent words create the lies so pretty that a person wants so badly to be truth. Sadly the ugliness found in the reality of some situations is so far from what the heart wants to be tickled with can send a person into a flight of fancy. With mommy issues and daddy not loving enough, broken hearts and lessons learned from the results of brutal trust can a healthy concept of future be obtained? My self I tend to shy in the direction of wanting and hoping the best of situations, still i can not ignore a spade being a spade pretending to be a diamond. I guess people will always tell a version that they want to be known and sometimes as far fetched as it is, fiction is better than finding yourself disenchanted from dissapointment and maybe just maybe people do change and conscience changes the mistakes into lessons not to be repeated. How does that old saying go? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice then you fooled the fool…

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Why.

Why do I let my insecurity get the best of me? It is hard for me to trust that I can ever be enough, this is a deep routed flaw of mine going back to before I watched my dad and brothers driving away from the child services building. Having been cheated on, simple to hate, a bit of a lot needy and easy to leave behind has me wondering what is so very wrong with me. I know I’ve burnt my own bridges and I have a vision of loyalty that is nearly impossible to live up to in this world of bigger better badder. I once believed in nuclear ─║ove, the ability to be forever in a fairytale ending of sunsets and true love. Perhaps I’m ruined, or to far damaged from the drugs and confusing my customers for friends. I still hold out hope for a happy ride into the sunset, a hopeless romantic influenced through the unrealistic images t.v. has brainwashed me to think is possible. I know I have issues loving me, still does that mean I don’t deserve to be loved just for the damaged crazy piece of shit I am. I fail on the best of days to live up to my own expectations, and I hear about the many way I let everyone else down as they make the escape from me and the person I am. I am sorry I made the choices that led me to be the person I am, I am sorry I’m trapped in my insecurity, to all the people I’ve yet to encounter, I appoligize now for the kicked dog syndrome and introducing you to the broken that is the aftermath. Have patience and understanding, please with that in mind understand I’m stupid and will need people to look out for me and be my friend. Its easy to beat on someone who doesn’t know how to stand up for them self, sometimes I need the help of someone willing to stand up for me.

Uncomfort.

The sweat is sticky, I’m crawling looking for the exit from my skin. Annoyance comes way to easy, I’m tired, pissed off and I want to get fucking high. Detox is an ugly word and a complete state of uncomfort. Toss and turn, tossed back again. The pounding in my chest the sad reminder that this is real. I set myself up to be completely fuckered and in that, I think, I hope is how I will succeed. I am flat broke, a few hours and I have no place to live. I pulled out all the stops, can’t even find a crumb to hoot in the pipe or lick off the floor. I amplified my problems in hopes the problems are the cure to my problem if that makes any sense?!? No money. Fuck I want to get high. I hate this phone, I hate breathing. Breathing got me here. Some might say my cracker slid off the deck of cards that is missing the puzzle pieces. I recently have taken up a new hobby of trying to obtain life cessation. It’s weird though, swallow 50 pills only to find out in the aftermath that my first try I had a full fledged heart attack, and I didn’t even know. The last batch of 50 pills was a pile of embarrassing bullshit that was no where even close to the desired effect. It’s only adding to the uncomfort of my current state. As it was explained to me that I’m dumb and I fucked it up, and that on the first try my messed up slightly large slightly failing heart, attacked. I figured out that scares me? I mean I did dip out the hospital with out asking questions or the formal certificate stating participant has obtained discharge stamps. I have noticed the palpitations and the pain, I don’t know how much damage I’ve done, and to continue on this life long bender probably isn’t going to help much. The reasons I find are not mine, that make me want to breath. I got to thinking it’s probably cold in that wooden corpse planted pot, I also came to the equation that I can’t hold her if I’ve finished the maze and found the final prize. I know I wouldn’t sleep well knowing that if she needed me I would scare the fuck out of science, and make the air intake once again function and crawl up to the world above me as a zombie, still it would be funny to see the looks that I would get. The dead man on a mission to find his living bride… Detox, the only option then that I can think of that might prolong the time spent with her in my arms. I haven’t told her yet that I love her that much, I love her enough to live.

I make light of my depression, and suicide attempts, If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out. I can not advocate for life, I can however hope that maybe in that reach a reason will be found to keep the air flowing.

Her.

I seem to have started to write to her on this venue, and her is a fucked up woman, though I would probably stab you if I ever heard you say that about her…

I haven’t had a greater privilege then the one Ive had in falling in love with her. I think I lost her, or did I ever have her? All I know is nothing makes sense and it’s all fucked up and the only clairity I see is how much I want her. I’m not to prideful to admit she is worthy of much greater then me. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her, hell it was by happenstance that I looked into her eyes at that moment and in that moment found myself locked into a kiss with her. The relationship I’ll say has been problematic at best, with sharp turns, and enough stress to make a person want to swallow about 50 pills, I regret to surmise that they were the wrong ones for cessation of life. Understand I love her, and I can’t explain why, she is mean, cruel, smart, funny, beautiful, charismatic, charming, amazing, condescending, spiteful, nefarious to put it bluntly she is a mess and I love every bit of her. Perhaps I truly am a sucker for pain. She has hit me for no real reason, blamed me for problems she already had and ripped me to shreds on a whim. I quit talking to sloots, I became blind, she is the only woman that actually see. Her and I, romance insanity.

Moments, I preach moments, it’s the moments that make up this thing called life. The moment I have in this life with her has hit the highest and lowest feelings in my life. Her effect on me is profound, I am ashamed to say I raised a hand and struck her, the non violent approach I’ve been striving for in my life fell apart. There is no reason that can justify my behavior. I am sorry and can’t take that back. I am grossed out with myself for the stupidity I saw in myself. I am sorry. The moments I see her smile, I dream about them. Her attitude is larger then life. Her beauty is bright and her light can grow flowers while her storms can destroy city’s. The paradox of her persona both seductive and deadly is hypnotic. I am blessed when she talks about the few moments she is fond of in memory, when the caramel sweet slides past the iron walls and I’m hearing the person few people truly get to see. We are a mess, we are crazy and we are learning. The only thing I know for certain is I hope to continue my moment, my life with her.