I do notice the patience you have, I do notice the way you don’t complain about my boring. I do notice that you want me to be proud of you, I do notice that your sweet and that you care. I do notice the things I don’t say much about because it’s so easy to point out the sad then it is the happy. I do notice I love her.
It was a knock out before the round even started. It seems that I can’t do a thing without criticism or being knocked down for the way I do it. My best friend, is the woman I’m dating, we both get upset and bear the brunt of the shit on eachother. Lately though it seems like even asking her to be kind to me is asking to much. I ask for help, she tries, only she doesn’t take the time to ask me what I’m asking for help with. We fight, sometimes I don’t even know what it is were fighting about. The anger she has towards me is getting worse, and I know I’m difficult still im sure that the anger stems from other stresses. I don’t help matters much when I’m a total fuck up.
This woman is supposed to be my partner, my friend, my dream. Even at my age I still hope for a simple better life. A Family, a little bit of love. I am supposed to be the one who has it figured out and who has the plan. The thing is I’m lost, clueless and looking to her for some guidance while she is looking at me for the same things.
It hurts me that things fall apart and I see the disappointment flash in her eyes. She doesn’t know that I don’t have a deck of cards up my sleeve anymore or that I’ve not been without a plan to back up my plan. I’m scared that I won’t fix it and it will be worse. I find myself back to playing with the spike as a way of punishment and coping. I just want to be not me… Crime has become my answer and I hate it. Floating farther away from what I want and closer to the hell that is waiting for me.
I don’t want to die and I don’t want to live..not like this. I need a boss. A babysitter and someone to take my money and not let me d dumb things.
I have managed to get expelled from detox, forgotten how to sleep and have no clue how to take care of myself anymore.
I feel like I piss people off more then anything. Breathing seems to be the biggest thing I can do to create the hate around me. I try not to eat with hopes of speeding up my ends. I fail at me and me all to often I try not to even even at.
I need passion, I need love, I need the spark to get me going again. I fear I’ve lost motivation.