The highway if life rolling under the wheels of my feet, each day lumbering past in a blur of hectic chaos as the race continues to be first to the end of the day. I try and take the lessons learned from the day and leave the rest behind me, sadly though the rear view keeps things closer then I would like to think. How does one.let go of things gone past when the reminders and questions are placed in the direction of travel? Forgiveness is bliss and ignorance a beautiful sandlot to hold ones head. Transparent words create the lies so pretty that a person wants so badly to be truth. Sadly the ugliness found in the reality of some situations is so far from what the heart wants to be tickled with can send a person into a flight of fancy. With mommy issues and daddy not loving enough, broken hearts and lessons learned from the results of brutal trust can a healthy concept of future be obtained? My self I tend to shy in the direction of wanting and hoping the best of situations, still i can not ignore a spade being a spade pretending to be a diamond. I guess people will always tell a version that they want to be known and sometimes as far fetched as it is, fiction is better than finding yourself disenchanted from dissapointment and maybe just maybe people do change and conscience changes the mistakes into lessons not to be repeated. How does that old saying go? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice then you fooled the fool…
Time: 6:12am Sunday morning.
Mood: not yet determined.
Sobriety: not high but not sober
Goals: *don’t piss off Her.
*Try and work on being a better me.
*Lick my own elbow.
*fix my life, make the whole world happy, losing 20 lbs, curing chickenpox, learning to love myself, set boundaries for healthy relationships
*give my head a shake and accept that I am best used as a bad example.
This one is for you… I think you have stopped reading, at least you never mention that you have been reading anymore. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing to be honest. I find that I can be open about thoughts, feelings and perceptions here. I worry that some of them will hurt your feelings, I hope that some of them will help you have a better understanding of me, and maybe help us to communicate better.
You have become my best friend, and so much more. You have made me challenge myself to be better, to look at my actions and approach to things and accept my responsibilities for my shit. I have never wanted to find a better version of myself so badly in my life. I honestly would be lost I think if I didn’t have you in my world. I know I ask a lot from you, and that I’m a nearly impossible person to love and my issues do run deep. Just know this about me please…
I love you, and that means I love you. I want what’s best for you, still I will never tell you how to be you. I care about you. I try and hear every word you say, and don’t say. I may not do everything you want I still place you in my thought for my decisions. I want you to be happy, I want to help you reach your goals and will be there to enjoy the sucess and kiss the bruises from the stumbles along the way. I enjoy you. Your smart, your funny, charasmatic, stubborn and amazing. I can’t think of anyone ever I would want as a partner in my life. I wish you would let me be your partner, and that maybe somehow I became part of your decisions as well. I truly hope you want what’s best for me, and that you want to help me succeed. I hope that we can be a team. I sometimes wonder if you respect me, or if I do matter to you. Just know that I can understand honesty, I can work with any truth. Please don’t think you have to ever be misleading, I understand more then you think, and I will never try to trip you. I love you enough to want you to be happy, and I do my best to treat you with respect. Please my love understand that I value your presence and that you mean the world to me. I hope you are my friend, my keeper of my heart. I hope you know I am yours and am loyal behind your back. I hope you know I’m thankful and I’m doing my best to give you the trust I don’t know how to give.
Fleeting and marred with psychotic subconscious that is an asshole and loves to scare the shit out of me. A never ending fight with the ghosts that I own, and a battle with the terrors that come back to life, the nightmares and catalytic moment that defined my acceptance of 8 trillion bandaids that will never fix the wounds. Good night world. Sleep.
I know that I don’t know the things I think I know, for if I knew the things I thought I knew then the way it turned out would not have come as such a surprise and I would understand my reality. Abandoned by my issues, left to face my damage I pull myself apart. The waste basket is full of the bits of me I find useless… How does one recycle hope, wants and dreams? I live in my feelings and usually they hurt who would expect any less? Snakes and ladders in this life I live movement at the roll of a die. I can’t even tease myself when it’s my turn to play. I keep buying the ticket to slide down hill and have lost every anything I’ve made. Today I shall trim yet once again shedding the unwanted things. For a person like me who really hasn’t owned anything the lack of stability ensured me that much, I admit it was nice for that moment when the music was louder then my thoughts and my friends were a not a memory of fiction, and the stress was a different misery.
The perfect version of the perfect person following all the rules to fit in the perfect box of normalcy. Not me. I was a person who made a living of criminal deeds, selling the medications people find them self drawn to in order to deal with the life they get to live. Ain’t that some bull shit?! I fed of addiction to feed my addiction and as well my daily bread. Who would have thunk that I would find more stress trying to find my way on the honest side then I did snubbing my nose at Johnny law. I want different and I fear it’s to late that I ordered and ate my desserts and now the world wants me in my place. Why is it so hard to get out? The right thing is the most struggle I’ve faced. I have faith though because the day finds a way to work out and provide for me I just have to breath and it will be okay.
This is a question. At one point in my behind me, the road threw at me the chance to lie. I embraced it, and in return I was rewarded with false bravado, a cheering section and fans. I swear if it was any more fantastic I would have been signing autographs. I guess my acting could have won me an Oscar or the academy award. Sadly though I don’t really like t.v. I don’t think acting is a way to garner the respect of people and every prize was a reminder that I am a fucking liar. I was congratulated for lieing, I was told to keep up the lies. Babble on about the noise they want to hear and things will be okay. Right?
I told the truth, and everything changed. I was ostracized and shunned. Banned from the world my lies had me accepted into, and sadly yet the most important ramification was loss of access to my son. I told the truth, I still use drugs. Surprise, after twenty something years of finding my place in life in the comfort of getting high, I got high. Somehow my confession that I was high changed me into a monster. If I don’t fit in the box the way they want me to then I am not allowed to eat the crayons anymore. I was the same person, only honest. Honest cost me so much and now I have the chance again. Lie and have my son, and the same empty bullshit from the rest of the peanut gallery or honest and continue to be hated. I don’t know how what I do when I’m not with my son, or them… I don’t know how that is so tramatic to their lifes that I become scum. Most of them are drunk fucks, my bandaid is a different color… Either way, do I be honest or do I lie?